100 Things I Want To Do Before I Die

  1. Be a waitress in a themed restaurant. Especially an old western saloon. Or a burlesque club. Or a western burlesque saloon.
  2. Travel to see every large major landmark (Tower of Pisa, Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty, etc.) and take a cheesy tourist photo with it, i.e. posing like I’m holding it up, like it’s about to fall on me. The works.
  3. If I ever become a famous author I would send up paper lanterns or set adrift bottles with notes attached or inside. These notes would have little poems or excerpts from stories along with an email so whoever found it could contact me. I don’t have to be famous to do this but people might be more inclined to reply if I were.
  4. Shoot a bow and arrow and hit the target while riding full speed on horseback.
  5. Get on the wall of any restaurant for some kind of eating contest. I would do this at Fuddruckers but the only one by me closed. The more the merrier.
  6. Be Miss March on a calendar. The more oddly specific the theme the better.
  7. Somehow get my name is every section of a newspaper. For positive or for negative.
  8. Choreograph a flashmob involving muppets and metal somewhere in the world. The Electric Mayhem would have to be involved.
  9. Have a sordid tryst with a member of a band that I like. And by sordid tryst I mean go out to a nice dinner and talk like normal human beings. What happens afterwards is up to fate. I am wildly attracted to musicians.
  10. Get my own quirky segment on the local news. Something along the lines of “Housewife with bad layered haircut complains about  the gas prices, the effect of violent video games on my children and other races moving into my neighborhood in thinly veiled terms.” Comedy gold.
  11. Be the host of some very unpopular and sad reality talent show. At the end of the show when I give out the 1-800 number I’ll misspeak and actually direct them to a sex chatline. It’ll give a lot of lonely people a more interesting night.
  12. Fake my way onto the Maury show. My favorite genre of guest is “young prostitute” but I’m too old to be a young prostitute so I’ll have to think of something new.
  13. Be naked outside in every country. 0 down, 196 to go.
  14. Get an inflatable mattress and set it on a small lake, pond, or pool. Fall asleep under the stars floating around, preferable with someone.
  15. Receive a love note written entirely in binary language.
  16. Go to a public restroom, unroll the toilet paper carefully until I get a good ways in. Write a poem on the roll or some kind of “we have a winner” announcement. Carefully roll the paper back up and make someone’s day in the future.
  17. Spend an entire day reading a good book, start to finish, in one sitting, while on the toilet.
  18. Move to New York City and train a carrier pigeon to deliver messages to my other friends in New York City.
  19. Eat one of every flavor of Jelly Belly jelly beans in one sitting even though I actually really hate jelly beans.
  20. Find someone else’s time capsule before they dig it up. Leave a note pretending to be an alien race thanking them for the invaluable knowledge they’ve gained about humans that they can now use against us in war.
  21. Go to an actual coronation and shout “I’m the Swan Queen” over and over until I’m escorted out by security.
  22. Meet someone who has had the misfortune of having their picture turned into a meme. Really talk to them and offer my sympathies. 
  23. Take a train out of every gate in Grand Central in the time span of one month and document my travels into the wilds of upstate New York, Long Island, and Connecticut.
  24. Gain of kind of viable talent and spend a day busking in a city, preferably a small one like Albany, NY where that sort of thing is uncommon.
  25. Have a pet named after each of the original 151 Pokemon. 2 down, 149 to go.

This list is growing everyday. I’ll update as my queue updates.